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mzmemama
11 March 2009 @ 12:40 pm
Every other day, I think of posting, then wonder where should I start... next thing you know I get distracted, which happens very easily. So here I am, weeks later.

Yesterday I went to the dentist. I hate submitting to the dentist. I avoid laying out in that damn chair until the last possible minute. I am so grateful for my support of my partner and my kelliboi (no, she's not mine, but I like how that sounds). So by the time I sat in the waiting room, I thought of the dentist servicing me, rather than me submitting to her. It worked!

One thing about me, is that I can take pain... by laughing, which is not advisable when there are sharp objects in one's mouth. I've even tried some play in the past, not with a top, but it was short play, nonetheless, and I laughed so hard. I mean, tears streaming.

So yesterday, I went to NYU college of dentistry and have to say it was one of the best experiences I've had. I've been to other dentist, but did not have any owrk because I kept getting different opinions. During the past few days I have been having a hell of a toothache, so I scheduled an appt but as a first time patient, I was not going to have any work, so I opted to go to the emergency.. dentist. I texted folks about going to emergency, then put my phone away. After I was taken care of, I looked at my phone and I had at least 10 missed calls, text and v/mails. Apparently, it was not nice to assume that folks knew I meant 'emergency dentist'. Sowwy.

The young lady was really sweet, attentive, patient and gentle (well as gentle as a dentist can be). She blushed when I told her I was sure my girlfriend had not impregnated me.

----
This past weekend, was wonderful! In fact, every weekend is usually pretty great, but I'll get to that in a sec.

The michfest soiree in nyc was on sat. My partner and I arrived late, and when we walked infront of the venue someone said hi to us, in a way was a little weird to me because I was sure I didn't know her, then again, it was a michfest soiree. So throughout the night, she catches my eye and I ask my partner who was that, and had I met her before... and I had not officially been introduced to her, but she was the last person my partner slept with. LOVELY!
That didn't ruin my night, but it did taint it. Truth be told, there was a lot going on at that time, moreso for me. What my partner did then wasn't okay with me, we weren't exclusively committed, but we did have an agreement we wouldn't go *there*. When that happened, shit hit the fan!. \

My partner and her are friends. The type of michfest friends who talk and maybe spend time together on the land, as they are in the same space, but outside of michfest, don't really speak. So there was some awkwardness because the bitch in me didn't care to embrace her when I first went to michfest, and my partner was not going to speak to her in fear of upsetting me. I was still upset, but not because she was there, but because seeing her brought up those feelings I had then, and knowing that my partner was concerned, and no doubt stressed, while trying not to upset me, made me hurt for her.

But I don't know what to do with those feelings. I'm embarrassed that so much time has passed and I know my partner loves me and is inlove with me, and our 'official' 4 yr anniversary is this week, BUT, I still have those feelings that float up to the surface. It's my shit, and I recognize it, but now what?

Going to Church on a regular basis has done so much for me. They often speak about forgiveness and releasing your concerns and fears.. to step out on faith. Sometimes I buy it, sometimes the bitch in me is like, 'oh, that SOUNDS nice. I wonder what I'll have for brunch?" All I can do is continue working on my shit.

I was going to write more, but I wasn't expecting to write alla that, now I want a cigarette. I really don't, I think they are gross and disgusting. I'm an anti smoking snob, since I'm no longer a smoker. I can vividly recall the calming sensation it would give me... as well as the nasty breath.

feh
I'm not going to read this over because I'll end up deleting it. If there are any grammatical errors, bite me.
 
 
 
mzmemama
12 February 2009 @ 06:26 pm
YASSUH, it's fucking offensive and not okay, by any means, that this white man post photos of one of them, because he sees the humor in it??? go against the status quo in a way that won't have your associates think "YOU ARE ONE INSENSITIVE MOTHERFUCKER".

why does this ignorant white man think that it's okay??? then after telling him why it is problematic, he wants to give me an ani difranco quote?? like i give a fuck what ani difranco has to say about a damn thing. why the hell go on to tell me that he's politically incorrect and "It is my own way of ridiculing the inherent prejudice in all of us, because we are all socialized with phobias of things and people that are different, etc."... he failed to realize that he also alienated me, and others, in his own way.

I don't have the privilege of seeing humor in racist images. I see my mothers and sisters.

During times like this I really appreciate my white friends.

When I originally came across his page with the offensive image, I was hesitant to approach him, but every time I caught a glimpse of it, it just made me more upset. I can't say I feel entirely better having said my piece, knowing that he was fully aware that he may seem insensitive, but I am glad that I let it out. That is my new years resolution, the only one really, talk about how I feel, and not be afraid to ask questions, or for what I want/need, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me.

"When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak."
~Audre Lorde
 
 
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
 
 
mzmemama
19 January 2009 @ 02:56 am
at keeping up with my journal. There have been moments where I had the desire to purge my thoughts, but what has prevented me from doing so is having the opportunity to purge them with my partner, or friends. Apparently, I haven't been very good at my 365 project either, fortunately, the 'rules' are flexible, you can miss a few days and pick up where I left off.

As far as journaling, I will share some shit, soon.

Day 6 of 365

day 6 of 365

Day 7 of 365

day 7 of 365
Tags: , ,
 
 
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
 
 
mzmemama
09 January 2009 @ 07:36 pm
1/365

365 reject photo
365 reject photo
 
 
Current Mood: blahblah
 
 
 
mzmemama
19 March 2008 @ 08:03 pm
I was recently informed by my partner that tomorrow is one of our anniversarys! It’s either our official 3 yr or our unofficial 4 yr... I forget.
 
 
Current Mood: lovedloved