mzmemama

mzmemama @ 2009-05-11T18:59:00

2009-05-11T23:00:00Z

it
has
been
a
long
time
.
where
do
i
start
?

mzmemama @ 2009-04-14T09:45:00

2009-04-14T14:34:11Z

It's such a fucking drag to be unemployed at times. When I think about moving to Brooklyn or upstate NY, or taking trips with friends, I feel frustrated that I can't plan that, (I still get to travel with my honey to her gigs, but that's different). Sometimes when I go to bed I ask myself, what *did* I do today, then drift off to experience very weird dreams. Actually, I do a lot of different shit that is all important. Between researching resources people desperately in need, volunteering for ASFP, organizing details for my partners gigs, promo work, and negotiating fee's, creating resumes and cover letter drafts for friends, and combing anywhere from 3- 10+ websites for job ads... my days are mostly productive. I need to stop relying on call backs from potential employers to validate me.

I am so Blessed to have a partner who doesn't stress me out or pressure me. She see's the work that I do and knows it is equally as important as having a f/t steady gig. I think because she's an artist and would prefer not to work in corp america, she see's the value in the work I do, and brainstorms with me on how I can produce an income while doing the same work. The notion of producing income in nontraditional ways, is still somewhat foreign to me. If I had not witnessed my partner survive that way for years, I would have never considered it. I always saw myself working in a nonprofit organization. I have a business degree, but I want to work somewhere that will allow me to help people in some capacity. The reason why I worked towards a business degree, and not a degree in human services, is because I don't want to take peoples shit home with me. Knowing that I'm helping the greater good of an organization that caters to under-served and underprivileged communities, will feed the social worker in me. In retrospect, had I obtained a degree in human services, I'm pretty sure I would have been employed already, maybe not so happy, but unemployed. All my friends who work in the HS field, including my mother who is a director, are stressed out often, and underpaid.

I try not to let my fears take over. In Church, my Bishop reminds us to lead with the heart and follow God's guidance, being stuck in our head is what fucks us up and makes us stagnant. Of course, he says it much more eloquently.

Oh, on a higher note, I am going to Stacyann Chin's book reading and release. I prob would not have gone last year, but I have been more proactive in supporting my community, and community building. I'm not *there* yet, though. There are some communities that I want to participate in at times, but sometimes I just want to be around my people (lesbian and/or womyn and/or women and/or WOC and/or POC and/or femme and/or butch&femme and/or church folk and/or fat), not with my allies. When allies are included, it changes my experience. I love my allies, I need my allies... but sometimes I just want to be around my people, to discuss our shared similar experiences with, not explain shit to... just be me and feel understood.

good. great. alla that.

2009-04-09T16:18:59Z

my spirits have been super high. my partner and I have been brainstorming about potential business ideas, so this weekend I plan to start on a business plan for one.

yesterday I spent the whole day setting up and promoting gigs and interviews for my partner. I really enjoy that type of work. I hope to get better at booking. Since she works a full time corporate job, I don't have to spend as much time researching potential gigs, at least for now. but would like to extend my services to other performers at some point.

last night we were up until 3am talking about business and relocating upstate. we had a space in the catskills for 2 years and we miss it terribly. the SPACE, air quality, and peacefulness. oh, and the change of scenery really inspires the mushy romantic boy I have. I can't say I miss the rednecks much, but they weren't SO bad. Oh, during the presidential election, we found out where the republican's were. Fortunately, there were LOTS of Obama signs.

the idea of living in brooklyn is still a turn on, but ultimately we'll end up outside the city.

today I have been engrossed in browsing random lj's and blogs. off to handle some bidness.

I'm feeling like a mushy bitch at the moment.

2009-03-28T01:49:19Z

Yesterday, I had a lovely date with my kelliboi, who has shown herself to be considerate, very caring, FUNNY AS HELL, and alla that butchboibuddy. Oh, and she has greeted us with BROWNIES at 10:30am in the morning!

I've been spending more time with friends, and I can't begin to quantify what joy it's brought me. Oh, and the challenges! It's given me lots of opportunity to re-evaluate my shit and work on reprogramming my way of thinking and feeling, so that I can focus on the GOOD, not the shit I don't understand and then over analyze.

2009 has been a year of spiritual growth for me, and I couldn't be happier (well, a decent job would make me very happy, but in a different way). Thinking of my relationship with my lover, partner, best friend, and boy, makes me into a mushy bitch. She is so un-phased by things the rest of the world can't handle. She has been busting her ass, working insane hours (anywhere from 12-16 hrs a day, 6 days a week in the office, plus 2.5- 4 hrs commute daily), yet, when she comes home, she has a huge smile on her face, while awaiting a kiss. Although exhausted, she still lavishes attention on me, kisses my feet... we still find time to laugh together, and talk. I'm a happy bitch.

mzmemama @ 2009-03-27T18:28:00

2009-03-27T22:31:55Z

and that's all I gotta say 'bout that.

mzmemama @ 2009-03-13T15:00:00

2009-03-13T19:23:09Z

from yesterday:

forcing myself to post

2009-03-13T05:09:13Z

I would like to post on a consistent basis, as I await this magical feeling of release. Perhaps it's just a fantasy, as it hasn't happened yet. Instead, I feel like I have moco's hanging out of my nose.

Back to last weekend. Minus the old, harmful, hurtful, and unhealthy feelings that floated to the surface and have shadowed me since... I had a fucking great time! I rubbed up on cute boys, had my fav drink (White Russian with Bailey's instead of cream), and yummy Turkish food afterwords.

I was able to hug someone who I've been wanting to lavish love on for months. While at the soiree, I missed fest in a way that I haven't before. Thinking of the bonds I've formed with fest folks, the camaraderie of the womyn, the opportunity to strip parts of me and go back into the world lighter and more open. Thinking about it has made me more sad than anything, because I am not sure that I will attend this year (for multiple reasons).

Pretty great day, except there was no sex involved. I had an interview that went very well. Afterwords, I went to Union Sq and met up with my sweet berry boy for coffee, hand holding, and gay ole processing. Then off to the village for lunch with the church going jewish yoga girl. The food was....*SIGH*.... that good!

Tomorrow, back to the dentist for xrays and shit.

NY State Lupus Legislation. We need your help.

2009-03-11T19:09:20Z

NY State Lupus Legislation. We need your help.

New York State is considering two important pieces of legislation.
AA00284 now in the Assembly Ways and Means Committee, creates an education and outreach program for the autoimmune disease known as lupus; provides for an advisory council consisting of representatives.. of people with lupus and their families and health care providers who specialize in treating lupus: appropriates funds for the lupus education and awareness program. Sponsor: Aurelia Greene.

S02847 now in the Senate Finance Committee creates an education and outreach program for the autoimmune disease known as lupus: and authorizes an appropriation. Sponsor: Diane Savino.

Tell your elected official to support these bills - HERE..S HOW:

Please take a moment out of your schedule to help make a difference for New Yorkers living with lupus. Follow these instructions on how to call and write to your officials.

1. Click http://assembly.state.ny.us/mem/ to find out who your local officals are.

The right side of the webpage asks for you to enter your zip code to find the Assembly Member representing your area.

Click http://www.senate.state.ny.us/sdlookup.n sf/Public_search?openForm to find out who your state Senators are.

2. Once you get the name(s), check these links below to see if he or she is on either of the two committees currently reviewing the lupus legislation.

Assembly Ways and Means Committee http://assembly.state.ny.us/comm/?sec=me m&id=41

Senate Finance Committee http://public.leginfo.state.ny.us/STATDO C/COMS13.HTML

3. If you find one of your legislators on either of these committees, please make a call. Call both the local district office and the Albany office; their contact information is on their web page.Please urge them to support the lupus bills! Everyone who is of voting age in your household should call or write separately as you are all constituents!

The following scripts are guidelines to give you an idea what to say or write. You can of course use your own words, but please keep the phone call scripts short and to the point. Letters can have more information, but keep them under one page.

Sample Script for Phone calls

My name is (XX), I live in (XX), NY and am calling to ask Senator/..Assembly Member (XX) to please support S2847 which is now in the Finance Committee (or to please support A00284 which is now in the Ways and Means Committee). I have lived with lupus for (XX) years or I have lived with (XX) who has had lupus for (XX) years. Lupus has affected me and my family in so many ways and has interfered with almost every aspect of our lives.

Lupus suffers from lack of professional and public awareness more than any other major disease. This legislation would support a statewide education and outreach program which is desperately needed and would benefit all New Yorkers affected by this costly and debilitating disease as well as help those New Yorkers who are suffering but due to lack of awareness do not yet know they have lupus. It would be wonderful if Senator/..Assembly member (XX) would support these bills. Thank you very much. Be sure to give your full name and address to prove you are a constituent.

Sample Script for letters

I am a voter in the Senators/..Assembly members district and live at _.._..______________ and I have a loved one that suffers from lupus ( or I suffer from lupus). I am writing to ask that Senator/..Assembly member________ please support S2847 (or A00284) which is now under consideration in the Ways and Means Committee (or Senate Finance Committee).
I have lived with lupus for (XX) years. It has affected me and my family in many ways_.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._..______________.

This legislation supports a statewide education and outreach program that would benefit all New Yorkers, whether they are at risk for getting lupus, or already have lupus. This disease is really hard to live with. It is debilitating, and the costs of living with this disease are exuberant.

My family would greatly appreciate if Senator/..Assembly member (XX) would support this bill.
Thank you very much.
======================

Please forward this email to all your friends and family in New York State and ask them to take a moment to call or write their legislators asking them to support these important lupus bills.

Keep your eyes open for more details from us on these bills and others that may be on their way through the NY State Legislature this year.

mzmemama @ 2009-03-11T12:40:00

2009-03-11T17:27:16Z

Every other day, I think of posting, then wonder where should I start... next thing you know I get distracted, which happens very easily. So here I am, weeks later.

Yesterday I went to the dentist. I hate submitting to the dentist. I avoid laying out in that damn chair until the last possible minute. I am so grateful for my support of my partner and my kelliboi (no, she's not mine, but I like how that sounds). So by the time I sat in the waiting room, I thought of the dentist servicing me, rather than me submitting to her. It worked!

One thing about me, is that I can take pain... by laughing, which is not advisable when there are sharp objects in one's mouth. I've even tried some play in the past, not with a top, but it was short play, nonetheless, and I laughed so hard. I mean, tears streaming.

So yesterday, I went to NYU college of dentistry and have to say it was one of the best experiences I've had. I've been to other dentist, but did not have any owrk because I kept getting different opinions. During the past few days I have been having a hell of a toothache, so I scheduled an appt but as a first time patient, I was not going to have any work, so I opted to go to the emergency.. dentist. I texted folks about going to emergency, then put my phone away. After I was taken care of, I looked at my phone and I had at least 10 missed calls, text and v/mails. Apparently, it was not nice to assume that folks knew I meant 'emergency dentist'. Sowwy.

The young lady was really sweet, attentive, patient and gentle (well as gentle as a dentist can be). She blushed when I told her I was sure my girlfriend had not impregnated me.

----
This past weekend, was wonderful! In fact, every weekend is usually pretty great, but I'll get to that in a sec.

The michfest soiree in nyc was on sat. My partner and I arrived late, and when we walked infront of the venue someone said hi to us, in a way was a little weird to me because I was sure I didn't know her, then again, it was a michfest soiree. So throughout the night, she catches my eye and I ask my partner who was that, and had I met her before... and I had not officially been introduced to her, but she was the last person my partner slept with. LOVELY!
That didn't ruin my night, but it did taint it. Truth be told, there was a lot going on at that time, moreso for me. What my partner did then wasn't okay with me, we weren't exclusively committed, but we did have an agreement we wouldn't go *there*. When that happened, shit hit the fan!. \

My partner and her are friends. The type of michfest friends who talk and maybe spend time together on the land, as they are in the same space, but outside of michfest, don't really speak. So there was some awkwardness because the bitch in me didn't care to embrace her when I first went to michfest, and my partner was not going to speak to her in fear of upsetting me. I was still upset, but not because she was there, but because seeing her brought up those feelings I had then, and knowing that my partner was concerned, and no doubt stressed, while trying not to upset me, made me hurt for her.

But I don't know what to do with those feelings. I'm embarrassed that so much time has passed and I know my partner loves me and is inlove with me, and our 'official' 4 yr anniversary is this week, BUT, I still have those feelings that float up to the surface. It's my shit, and I recognize it, but now what?

Going to Church on a regular basis has done so much for me. They often speak about forgiveness and releasing your concerns and fears.. to step out on faith. Sometimes I buy it, sometimes the bitch in me is like, 'oh, that SOUNDS nice. I wonder what I'll have for brunch?" All I can do is continue working on my shit.

I was going to write more, but I wasn't expecting to write alla that, now I want a cigarette. I really don't, I think they are gross and disgusting. I'm an anti smoking snob, since I'm no longer a smoker. I can vividly recall the calming sensation it would give me... as well as the nasty breath.

feh
I'm not going to read this over because I'll end up deleting it. If there are any grammatical errors, bite me.

Vote!

2009-02-16T20:12:30Z

Uncle Tom, Sambo, Aunt Jermime

2009-02-13T00:31:30Z

YASSUH, it's fucking offensive and not okay, by any means, that this white man post photos of one of them, because he sees the humor in it??? go against the status quo in a way that won't have your associates think "YOU ARE ONE INSENSITIVE MOTHERFUCKER".

why does this ignorant white man think that it's okay??? then after telling him why it is problematic, he wants to give me an ani difranco quote?? like i give a fuck what ani difranco has to say about a damn thing. why the hell go on to tell me that he's politically incorrect and "It is my own way of ridiculing the inherent prejudice in all of us, because we are all socialized with phobias of things and people that are different, etc."... he failed to realize that he also alienated me, and others, in his own way.

I don't have the privilege of seeing humor in racist images. I see my mothers and sisters.

During times like this I really appreciate my white friends.

When I originally came across his page with the offensive image, I was hesitant to approach him, but every time I caught a glimpse of it, it just made me more upset. I can't say I feel entirely better having said my piece, knowing that he was fully aware that he may seem insensitive, but I am glad that I let it out. That is my new years resolution, the only one really, talk about how I feel, and not be afraid to ask questions, or for what I want/need, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me.

"When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak."
~Audre Lorde

I'm not so good...

2009-01-19T07:56:40Z

at keeping up with my journal. There have been moments where I had the desire to purge my thoughts, but what has prevented me from doing so is having the opportunity to purge them with my partner, or friends. Apparently, I haven't been very good at my 365 project either, fortunately, the 'rules' are flexible, you can miss a few days and pick up where I left off.

As far as journaling, I will share some shit, soon.

Day 6 of 365

Day 7 of 365

Day 1 of 365 project

2009-01-10T00:41:06Z

365 reject photo

Anniversary

2008-03-20T00:03:42Z

I was recently informed by my partner that tomorrow is one of our anniversarys! It’s either our official 3 yr or our unofficial 4 yr... I forget.